Memory of You
Erinnerungen an den Anfang einer Beziehung
It’s always like that at the beginning, but time changes things and before you can turn around, you don’t know what’s going on anymore. You just want to stay at home and forget everything. You do all the things you do just because you don’t want to think about it. And sometimes you wish that some things would have never happened but now you can’t change it anymore. So you have to carry on.
He turned around in his bed and opened his eyes. All he wanted to do was stop thinking but he couldn’t. It was as if was haunted by his thoughts. And all they did was hurt. There was a look of despair in his eyes. At least they weren’t tear-filled anymore. He got up slowly and walked to the window. It was raining outside and usually he used to be jaunty while walking in the rain. He didn’t want to go out of the house today, walking in the rain wouldn’t help him now. He switched the radio on and went back to bed. Without noticing it he let his thoughts roam over the past again. It seemed to him that it was a year ago when he got to know her, although it was just some months ago, on one of these dancing events. To be concise, it happened 5 months ago. First he didn’t even want to go there but then he just went.
There were so many people, he knew most of them but there were only a few who he really liked. And they were one reason that he decided to go there. Another reason was that he didn’t like to stay at home at the weekend, there had been enough boring and sad weekends he had spent at home. And then it happened, as suddenly as a storm on a sunny summer day. His heart started to beat twice as fast as usual and his hands trembled imperceptibly. He had seen her. To him, the most beautiful girl. She had just come into the hall and already two men were arguing who was first to dance with her. The one was so incensed that he poured his drink on his own jacket, he had to go and clean himself in the bathroom. At the same time the other man had the luck to dance with her. And as soon as the song stopped another man asked her to dance, she danced more than seven times in a row, then, somehow, she managed to get to the spot where you could get some refreshments. She was still encircled by a crowd of men who wanted to ask her to dance. Someone should invent a stronger word than beautiful for her. Except of the dumb, blind and haughty ones, all the girls were envious. And they really had a reason, e.g. that all the men wanted to dance with her. I would like to dance with her too, he thought, staring at the crowd at the refreshments. But I’m not enough self-confident to ask her. Couldn’t bear it if she said no. He took a look at his clock and then he went outside. It was dark and cold, you could see some stars far away and the grasshoppers chirped everywhere. He took a deep breath but then began to cough . You were not supposed to smoke in the hall, so all the polluters came outside to smoke. You could see the red lights of their cigarettes. On the one hand he wanted to go back into the hall again but on the other hand he didn’t want to see this adorable girl dancing with all these men. It’s strange, everybody wants to dance with her, in spite of that, there’s no sign of condescension from her. Maybe she doesn’t know how special she is, he thought but let it go at the same time. Why shouldn’t she know that she was something special?
He played with the idea of going home and to bed, he was insecure. He could go for a walk, go home or he could stay. He had the secure feeling to miss something if he went home but maybe he would just get bored here and then he would be sadder than now. Before he could decide what to do, a voice talked to him. It was a tender voice, sounded familiar and pleasant to him. Sure, he had never heard the voice before, he turned around, eager to know who was the owner of the voice, his heart stopping to beat for a short time. His mouth was suddenly dry and he felt like he could never speak again.
“It’s cozy here, isn’t it?”, she said while staring to the stars. He turned away, so she couldn't see him trembling, and nodded as an answer, his voice still not able to speak. Now he noticed something, there was a star far away, it seemed to shine more than the others. Strange he hadn't noticed it before. Hope, he said to himself in his mind. That’s the star. After half an eternity, he plucked up his courage to turn to her again. She smiled with her head slightly tilted.
“Do you like to dance?”, she wanted to know with this whispering voice. He thought that he’d misheard something but the girl still smiled at him expectantly. His voice wasn’t as calm as he would have liked it to be as he answered. She put her arm through his and they walked together into the hall, a slow song was playing and he felt like everybody was watching them. His face was pale but luckily the light in the hall was dimmed. She laid her head on his left shoulder and his usual coolness came back again. “This is one of my favorite songs!”, she mentioned and started to whisper the lyrics.
“And you’re on fire
When he’s near you
You’re on fire
when he speaks
You’re on fire
burning at these mysteries”
Her breath in his neck made his flesh creep in a pleasant way. The song ended but they didn’t care and kept on dancing. The whole world around them vanished and stopped existing for them.
After some more songs they went outside into the dark, the whole town seemed to sleep and the stars were the only lights. They walked holding hands through the streets and realized that they had much in common. As they went back to the dancing event they stopped holding hands. He felt the eyes of all the people he knew on them. Sometimes his hand touched hers inconspicuously or accidental. They went to the refreshments, back to the wall, their faces shining like stars and everybody who didn’t get it was ether blind or busy enough with somebody else’s attention. It became later and later and then he had to leave, kissing her goodbye in front of the entry to the hall.
“I’ll write you soon, I’ll swear!”, he said, kissing her again and hugging her one last time.
He turned again in his bed, feeling sick now. Distance can make you go crazy. First it really worked somehow, writing thousands of letters and mails monthly, seeing each other every weekend but it became harder and harder. And then the voice in your head starts to speak: “Why doesn't she write back?” “What is she doing now?” “Is she mad at you, did you do something wrong?”
It really makes you go crazy, you don’t know what to do, you can just wait and hope, but the star has disappeared.
“Why don’t you write back or answer the phone?” “Why don’t you like me anymore?” “What has changed?”
You sit next to her, she’s crying, wishing you would finally go and leave her alone.
He hasn’t seen her for a month, and hasn’t heard anything from her for far too long, but now he knows it – but still hopes!
It’s so hard to let you go, …but I will make you change your mind!